The client made friends again and again that at first felt interesting and emotionally accessible. She was honest, talked about her fears, and put a lot of effort into it. But with time, the situation changed, and there was subtle comparison, competitiveness, and emotional disconnect. Instead of being embraced, she started to feel exposed.
Even though she felt that something was wrong, she kept faithful and questioned herself instead of the situation.
We figured out that her sensitivity wasn’t because she was naive; it was a way for her to connect with others.
When she was young, connection was not always there. Emotional openness was one of the few methods to get closer, get approval, or make something important. Vulnerability turned into a way to: make sure of safe connections; make competition less fierce. It was a confidence issue she had. Despite all her successes, she had the need to downplay her achievements to stay connected.
Her nervous system picked up an unspoken rule: “I will be able to belong if I open up and when I downplay my successes, I am no threat.”
Recognition: She didn’t share because it was safe; she shared because she had to make it safe to not lose connection. The problem is not being vulnerable, but giving it to people where there was competition, and she learnt early on that to fit in, she had to minimise herself, so connection became tied to self-reduction to feel safe and accepted.